Alone

The moon hung high in the sky that night, glowing brightly but its light was lost somewhere among the smog and contrasting orangey glow of streetlights. Despite the cold winter breeze, the small attic window had been pushed open. Anyone walking outside would just see a huddled figure by the window; no lights had been turned on inside and only a single candle burned nearby.

Damp blues watched the city bellow, the skies above, and the large metropolis in the horizon. All this she saw, but didn’t register. Andariel brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them tightly. A soft breath graced her lips and with it a sweet scented cloud of smoke. Ashes dropped from the window, scattering in the wind. She watched them fly off freely and almost wished to be like them: a little particle scattered in the air, free of any duties or worries… how nice it would be to simply drift around above the world and watch from high above while everyone else suffered.

[this is me alone…]

How useless and mundane. She thought to herself. Nearly every night she came up into the attic and stared at the world bellow, searching for an answer perhaps? There was no answer there, however, it wasn’t that easy. None of this was easy. There was absolutely nothing she could to do to better the situation… No, actually there was on option: she could just walk away. What kind of option is that though? How could one simply walk away from the one thing they knew would change their life?

[and at night she cries away her pride]
[with eyes shut tight staring at her inside]
[all her family asking is she alright]
[all she wants to do is get rid of this hell]

Eyes drifted shut, locking in the comforting darkness but the voice inside her mind was so much louder. A tear slid down her cheek and she wiped it away in frustration. An extra orangey glow was added to the darkness as she took a drag from her clove. She exhaled the sweet smoke towards the window after a moment, her expression calmer now, more relaxed. Immediately that serenity was stripped away and replaced by sadness. Liquid blues gazed down at the thin brown stick she held between her fingers. She shuddered softly and dropped it into the ashtray. She had sworn to let go of her awful habit but yet it always caught up with her. It wasn’t like she even needed it – not really but… it was the only way she knew how to take the frustration away. She felt at once guilty for breaking her promise and swept a hand across the windowsill, sending the makeshift ashtray (a cut open coke-can) flying out the window and with it an hour’s worth of ashes.

She was almost disgusted with herself, but as the can descended to the ground she sighed as if upset at watching it go. Lately she couldn’t even comprehend her own emotions: one moment she could be in the best of moods and the next she was a threat to anyone who dared to approach. It drove people away and it drove her parents insane, which in turn made things even harder on her. Those were the less dramatic moments however; there were those in where she simply broke down for no apparent reason. It was scary almost. Just a few days back it happened again…

Another school day came to an end; all that was left was the mundane drive back home. She watched as other cars flew past her; she didn’t care, wasn’t in much of a hurry to get home anyway. The radio was turned up a notch. She cringed at the poppy music blasting from the speakers and changed the station. Now this was better. She yawned and leaned back, comfortably against the black velvet covered seats. The minutes passed and with them, the songs. She blinked quietly as the starting notes of “Always” were emitted from the speakers. It was so rare to hear this song on the radio nowadays! She smirked and turned it up, singing along with it until moments latter she just stopped. All of a sudden tears blurred her eyes and within a second’s time she broke down crying uncontrollably. It was hard to focus on the road ahead but she managed, slowing down and shifting to the right lane until her fit passed.

Andariel came to herself moments later and shook her head slowly. Blues drifted back into focus as she glanced out the window. A lone car sped down the street but she didn’t really see it. Only the headlights seemed to catch her attention but even that was limited to just a few seconds. Sometimes she felt as if she were going insane – it wouldn’t be too far from the truth.

Dreams of Tizz had begun to come more often, but they weren’t regular dreams. She had always had dreams of her, but not like this: these were sinister. They took her away from reality only to shove her back into it moments later. The last one had been just the previous night. How sweet had it been… showing up at her doorstep with no intentions of leaving – ever! She should’ve known it was too good to be true.

She trembled softly but whether it was from cold or a rush of fresh emotions it couldn’t be told. She leaned her head down, resting her forehead upon drawn knees and sighed. This was killing her… slowly but gradually and she was beginning to see the effects. It hurt so very much. Tiny little knives were constantly stabbed into her chest, shards of glass happily moving through her veins, poison slowly ebbing towards her heart until it beat no more. It was suffocating, as if she were being held underwater and not allowed up. Ever. Perhaps that’s what this really was.

Sometimes she wished she could just stop it… let the glass and poison bleed out of her. Like they used to do in the old days: bleed the diseases out of people until they finally were to weak and died. Maybe they were right back then. Blood is the life and when that blood has been corrupted, what kind of life is there left to lead?

Never had she been one for such morbid thoughts, but they felt so very nice. Splatters of crimson upon a darkened mind. What was becoming of her?

[i want to get away and never say goodbye…]

It was hard to concentrate on any given thing, even as she tried to yank her thoughts away from the morbid reality that had become her life, it seemed impossible. Everything steered her right back towards the problem and it all went to hell from then.

She pushed herself up and slammed the window shut. Fingers lingered on the white plastic for a moment as she gazed at the city beyond, then turned abruptly and headed back downstairs. She raced down the wooden stairs as if something were chasing her out and headed straight into her room.

Andariel flung herself onto the bed; fresh tears touched the pillows and comforters. Those covers were so stained with her salty tears… so stained with the pain that flooded from her so frequently now. Even as she tried to keep a straight, emotionless face throughout the day, the turmoil within was more than obvious. She shook uncontrollably, clutching onto the covers beneath her as if they would offer any comfort.

Moments later, her door was pushed open and at the threshold stood her mother whose gaze pierced through her like yet another knife.

“What’s wrong with you?” She snapped but would receive no response. After a moment, she repeated the question.

Andariel pushed herself up angrily and shouted, “Nothing’s wrong, nothing is every fucking wrong in this house right?!” And with that, she stormed out and downstairs. Jacket was grabbed on the way down; car keys soon followed as she raced through the kitchen headed for the back door. She needed to get away.

[and I’d give it all away]
[just to have somewhere to go to]
[give it all away]
[to have someone to come home to]



Lyrics © Linkin Park

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