[4 seasons of loneliness]

He wandered alone that day, hands shoved in the pockets of ragged jeans, black leather jacket hanging from a thin frame. Though it was the beginning days of winter, the weather was surprisingly warm for such a cold season. Vensik walked along the streets of Waterdeep, Maine, the tiny fishing town that Arcadia University was located in. It was where he and his group of friends attended college.

The fox heaved a deep sigh as his thoughts moved faster than his ruddy-colored feet, silent strides taking him nowhere in particular, though his direction was headed for the docks. Not purposefully, but he decided that the sunset scenery would be beautiful at this time of day. He needed something to cheer him up.

Vensik wasn't exactly depressed, but he was pushing towards it. Lonely? Yes, that was part of it. He felt alone; betrayed somehow, for some reason unknown. The previous night with his lover, Tizzrah, had been pleasurable, but he still felt unfulfilled. No; that wasn't a good word. Hurt would have been better. He had made love to her till the rosy touch of dawn had tipped the clouds. But when they had been shedding the pesky layers of clothing that hindered their activities, Tizz had insisted on leaving her blouse on. Vensik knew. He didn't question her decision. She had marked herself once again. As they had shifted into the erotic embrace, it was all he could do to hold in his tears as his lover stifled cries of pain. It tore him up inside.

Why did she do this to herself? She had explained it before, but it made no sense to him. And it seemed that lately things had been bothering her more than usual. She was quieter, more withdrawn. Her cutting had obviously become more frequent; there were many more starchy, crimson areas staining her sheets. So what was wrong? She wouldn't tell him when he asked, and that bothered him the most. Didn't she trust him?

He sighed softly and glanced up from the pavement he had been concentrating on. He was surprised to notice that it was already dark, and he had passed the docks a long time ago; he must have walked a lot longer than he had thought. As he studied the areas around him, he realized that his new path was leading him straight to the large, white building looming in the distance: Richter Hall.

He closed the distance quickly. Quietly pushing open the doors as to not disturb any of the female inhabitants and get himself in trouble, he carefully ascended the stairs to the third floor and sought out room 312. Tizz and Firefoot's room. Swiping the spare key from the ledge above the door, he gently inserted it in the lock and was met with the satisfying click that would give him access. Replacing the key, he entered softly and closed the door behind him.

“Tizz? Firefoot? Anyone here?”

His own voice startled him, echoing in the stillness of the dorm. He flipped on the lights and surveyed the room for a moment. It didn’t look like anyone was home, but he wouldn’t leave until he was sure. Where would they have gone?

Vensik sighed and wandered into Tizz’s bedroom. He frowned in disappointment at the empty bed, the empty room. Maybe she and Firefoot went to a movie. But that didn’t prevent him from worrying.

He was about to retreat to his own dorm room in defeat when he noticed a smudge of red on the closed door to the bathroom. He stopped to study it, and on quick inspection he realized it was blood. Panic engulfed him and he shoved open the bathroom door, brown eyes quickly surveying the scene. And he wailed in desperation at what he saw.

Tizz was lying still on the blue rug in front of the sink, spatters of dark crimson decorating the floor and the porcelain of the bathtub. She was stripped down to nothing; he looked closer and noticed that the entirety of her fur was matted with blood. A stained scalpel lay nearby a white envelope, angelic white in the river of red, leaning up against the mirror. Only two words were written on its face: I’m sorry.

“No!” he nearly screamed, dropping down beside her motionless form and quickly checking for some sort of vital signs. None that he could feel… but there was so much fur, so much blood in her fur. He quickly assured himself that everything was going to be fine. He then jumped up, rushing into the living area and grabbing the phone. It took him all of a half a second to dial those three little numbers that could save her life.

The next few minutes were a blur as he waited for the ambulance. He subconsciously remembered pocketing the envelope for later and cradling her to his body, but after that there was nothing. No remembrance of the medics loading her body on the stretcher, no remembrance of their hushed voices, full of pity. For him.

It was only when they had taken her away and he was alone in the dorm for a while that he remembered what had happened.

Vensik sank onto the couch, tears welling over his eyes, blood staining his clothes. Her blood. He didn’t know how long he cried. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. His entire mind had been wiped clean except for one image: her bloodstained body. His entire front was wet with sorrow by the time he recalled the envelope.

Shaking hands brought it out of his pocket. He took a moment to study the scrawled words there, words written by her own shaking hand. I’m sorry. A fresh fountain of tears ran streaming down his cheeks, spattering on the envelope. Her words became blurred from his grief. He fumbled with the seal, finally getting it on the third try, and drew out the neatly folded letter.

Dearest Vensik,
I’m sorry. It’s all I really know to say… I’m sorry for the grief I’m bringing on you by my own decision. Know that it isn’t because of you. It isn’t because of anyone or anything besides myself. This is my punishment for existing. For causing everyone else pain, for disrupting everyone’s happy lives. I love you. You’re the only one in the world that truly understood me, I think. Only one who really seemed to care. That’s why it’s so hard for me to write this to you. It is my farewells. I didn’t want to ever say farewell to you, but the time has come and passed now, as I knew it would, to do so. Please don’t be angry with me. Please don’t cry for me. You’ll surely find someone else who can make you happier than I did. I hope so, anyway. Well, it’s time for me to go now and do the deed that I so regret but do not fear. I’m not scared. It’s my destiny, I suppose, so why fear it? I love you with my entire heart, even though it ceases to beat. Goodbye, my love…

Forever Yours,
Tizzrah

Vensik folded the letter, his entire body shaking, eyes stinging with hot tears. This couldn’t be happening. This was a dream, and he would wake up soon…

But no. It wasn’t a dream.

He slowly stood, pocketing the letter once more. He wouldn’t let her leave him like this. Long strides took him to the door and he yanked it open, storming downstairs and into the night. It had started to rain furiously, and the large droplets pelted against his clothes and face as he fought the storm and ran down the sidewalks. He was soaked through when he finally reached the Waterdeep Hospital.

He threw open the doors and walked to the reception desk. “I need to see Tizzrah Cantadora,” he demanded, ignoring the looks from the patients and nurses that passed him by. “Please.”

The receptionist, a large female mouse with piercing red eyes, appraised him calmly. “I’m sorry, sir… she’s in critical condition and can’t take visitors right now.”

Vensik snarled and slammed his fist down. “Damnit! Tell me where she is!”
The receptionist looked taken aback and blinked once, twice, then pointed down the hall. “She’s in the ER. Good luck getting in there.”

Vensik wasted no time in dashing down the hallway, ignoring doctors and nurses who were shouting at him. He pushed open the twin doors to the ER and slid inside, brown eyes dancing over the room. It didn’t take long for him to spot her. She was surrounded by medics, her heart rate barely registering on the screen.

He walked slowly over to her. A doctor glanced up and pointed to the door he had come from. “You can’t be in here, son,” he said, shaking his head. When he noticed the tears welling up in Vensik’s eyes as the fox looked over her, he sighed. “She your wife?”

Vensik knew that he and Tizz weren’t married, but nodded anyway. He wasn’t in the mood to argue. “How is she?” he asked quietly, holding in his anguish. “Is she going to… live?”

The doctor, an orange and black striped tiger with the nametag “Dr. Jordan, MD,” sighed. He took Vensik to the side so he couldn’t see her. Jordan gently put a comforting paw on the fox’s shoulder. “I don’t think so,” he whispered, shaking his head. “She cut her wrists pretty deep. Lost a lot of blood. She’s too far gone to go through a transfusion… the surgery may kill her. There’s nothing we can do but wait. I’m sorry.”

Vensik clenched his teeth, tears streaming down his face. Everyone was so damned sorry. If he heard that word again he felt as though he may snap. He looked up as the doctor continued. “You might as well go on home. There’s nothing you can do for her here.”

Vensik could only nod, too grief-stricken to get anything out. With one last look at Tizz, he trudged out to the waiting room to find a sofa to rest on. There was no way he was leaving the hospital. Not until he got word. In the waiting room there was no sofa, but he found a comfortable green-padded chair and collapsed in it. Eyes drifted closed in thought, and before he knew it he was asleep.

***

The fox was rudely awakened by a hand shaking him. He blinked and slowly opened his eyes to stare Jordan in the face. The doctor shook his head slowly, helping a now very-awake Vensik to his feet. “Is she alright? Please, doctor, tell me she’s all right…” he pleaded, realizing he sounded hysterical, but didn’t much care. He needed to know.
Jordan sighed. “I’m sorry, son. She’s gone.”

Vensik only stared at him for a moment, completely dumbstruck. No… Tizz is too strong. She can’t be dead… she can’t… He started to cry, then, collapsing back in the chair and letting emotions overtake him. He wasn’t aware of the comforting hand on his shoulder, or the people staring at him. He had lost the one thing that kept him alive. She was gone. Gone forever from him. He’d never gaze upon her beautiful face, kiss her tender lips, hold her so tightly to him he thought he might crush her. Never hear her laugh again. Never see her smile. It was all gone.

“No…” he whispered, leaping to his feet and tearing out of the building. It was still early morning; the sun wasn’t even up yet. Rain continued to pelt upon the ground. He ran. Ran so far and so fast he felt as if his heart may burst, if it hadn’t already broken.

His path led straight to the black sandy shores of the beach. He dashed into the water and stopped when the waves crashed against his waist, sobbing openly now with no one to see. “Don’t leave me!” he shouted at the top of his lungs through sobs, voice directed at the sky. “Please, Tizz! I love you!”

He broke down again, his salty tears mixing with the salty water of the great ocean. He began to swim then, swim far away from shore. He’d swim until he couldn’t swim any more. Far away from the world. Lost in his own grief, his own sorrow. With no one to care, now. Alone.

But when he could swim no farther, he wouldn’t be alone anymore. He would sink. He would join her. He would be with her again. Tears of joy coursed down his cheeks now. He had a goal. He wouldn’t lose her. Powerful strokes took him towards the rising sun. They would be together again.

Forever.

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